Dear Reader

I'm not sure that I can ever hope to understand anyone. There are times when I just seem to do everything the wrong way and totally not comprehend why it is so foreign to others. I get some idea in my head and then don't see any alternative. Or the need for any alternative. Or even think of seeking an alternative.

- "Why did you do that?"

- "Because that's the first thing I thought of and didn't think of a second thing."

When an alternative is pointed out I can see it and it all looks so simple and straightforward and obvious and I'm just so fucking stupid no to have considered any other point of view than my own. Mostly these things are on the periphery of my music, negotiating the practical moments of living - the buses, the timetables, the family, phone calls, finances. These are the things that make me crave my musical spaces, those places of lost time. These are the things that make me the most dangerous element within them. These are things that push stress and anxiety to a point that my happiest times, the creative times, become painful, unproductive, and fraught with error and lost opportunity.

Time and time again I am caught up by an over-riding sense of now. The first thought is the important one, the first fix is the best, the urgent is the most important, today blots out all thought of tomorrow. I know that what I do in the now is usually good quality - I can give my mind fully, get the details right. The problem is the bigger picture, especially if it's a real big picture - one that involves other people's wills, and then my own little world just isn't big enough, doesn't take them into account. My little bit of quality work just doesn't fit. "Doesn't consider others" was what my primary school report card used to say.

Sure, I know it's Rigid Thinking. Sure, I know it's a Deficit in Theory of Mind. Sure, I know it's an Impairment of Executive Function. Sure, I know I have these things. Although I can sometimes plan for circumstances, it's the unpredictable that fucks me up. Knowing doesn't make it easier at those times, only makes it easier to beat myself up afterwards.

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